Tuesday, December 21, 2010

It's beginning to feel like its not Christmas ... >_>

When I was a kid, Christmas was awesome ... ! A tree, decorations, and of course, presents ^_^ my family and I always spent the day together, sometimes with extended family, sometimes not. We would all play around with our gifts and it was such a happy time for me. I loved the night before Christmas and everything ... waking up with the excitement that it was Christmas! My parents never flew with the whole Santa Clause thing, so they always gave my siblings and I $50 to do our Christmas shopping. Seems like pennies now, but hey, when you're a kid $50 was a lot of money (a lot better then the 'olden days' when parents gave their kids 50 cents). Christmas holds warm memories and happy thoughts (:

But then, I got older. Really fast, it seemed ... by the time I was 13, I was done with the whole 'Christmas thing'. Everybody in my family was ...

Dad: You guys wanna put up the tree?

My sibling and I: Haul it from the storage shed? no thanks!

So Christmas began to take on a whole different feel. No one in my family ever felt like pulling out a tree, decorating it, going out to buy presents, waiting till Christmas morning, giving out presents, cooking a huge dinner, taking down the tree and decorations ... blahh blahh blahh ...
We simply got tired of the whole deal. Why go through all that trouble for a simply holiday? We all know its coming around in a year so if we miss it this year, there's always next year!
And so this year ... everything is missing for me. Like okay, even though we didn't get into it, there was always a happy feeling that came with Christmas.

This year?

That nice, warm, happy feeling lasted all of two minutes before reality took over. I wanted to recapture it, but I have missed every time. Now Christmas is days away, and I still feel like its just a regular time of year. What is happening?! I'm trying to get myself hyped up, but I am failing miserably. It's quite interesting ... of course theres no tree, no lights, and barely any presents ... but I don't think those little things are to blame. It's just something that maybe comes with growing up. When you're worrying about getting into college, how to pay bills, how to get another job, and numerous other things, its kinda hard to catch the 'Christmas spirit' and just cast aside all your worries and be HAPPY! It's like, please! go slap yourself, the problems are still there after December 25th! I think my brother said it best when he said all he wants for Christmas is a break from reality ... where you can really forget everything and just have peace ...

yupp, thats what I think I want for Christmas ...

who's buying?

Note ::
I love celebrating Jesus birth and all, but really, he wasn't born in December anyway even though it is nice to focus especially on that during the Christmas season. (: and this is just my personal feelings ... if you still have that lovely Christmas feeling, more power to ya ! (;

Friday, November 19, 2010

... the next sunrise ...

*yes, my original idea for this blog came from Jade! (: hope she doesn't mind*

I know I'm not the only person that has gone through some really tough stuff in their life, and I also know that many people have gone through even tougher things than I ever have. But like, this summer ... everything seemed to crash. School ... Job ... even parts of my family. Friends ... things I thought I could count on ... I felt like my life was spiraling downward into oblivion and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I quit praying, quit believing in God, started contemplating suicide and even cutting again ... I still have to say that this summer/early fall was almost one of the lowest points I have ever reached in my life. Instead of reaching out to God I turned my back to Him ... and through it all, one song continued to penetrate the fog ...

I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel shine
through the dark times, even when I loose my mind
and it feels like no one in the world is listening
and I can't ever seem to make the right decisions.

I walk around in this same haze,
still caught in my same ways,
I'm loosing time in these strange days,
but somehow I always know the right things to say.

I don't know what time it is,
or who's the one to blame for this;
do I believe what I can't see?
and how do you know which way the wind blows?
'Cause I can feel it all around,
I'm lost between the sound,
and just when I think I know there she goes ...

Goodbye for now ...
Goodbye for now so long ....

Goodbye for now
(I'm not the type to say I told you so)
Goodbye for now so long
(I think the hardest part of holding on is letting it go)

Why can't we sing, a new song?

Still smiling as the days go by
and how com nobody ever knows the reasons why?

Bury it deep so far that you can't see,
if you're like me,
who has a broken heart on her sleeve

Pains and struggles that you know so well
either time don't,
it can't,
or it just won't tell

I'm not the type to say I told you so,
I think the hardest part of holding on is letting it go

And I can sing until theres no song left,
and I can scream until the world goes deaf

For every other word left unsaid
you should have took the time to read the sign
and see what it meant

In some ways, everybody feels alone,
so if the burden is mine then I can carry my own

If joy really comes in the morning time,
then I'ma sit back and wait until
the next sunrise ....

I cant tell you how many times that song would pull me back from the edge ... or how many times God used that song to speak to me ... all I can say is, if you're going through something awful, if you feel like giving up ... hold on ... you can make it until the next sunrise ... I did ...

If joy really comes in the morning time,
then I'ma sit back and wait until
the next sunrise .....

Thursday, November 4, 2010

*it's alright*

Have you ever been so tortured with doubts and problems that you were sure you would break under the load? Sometimes ... well, a lot of times ... I feel like that ... and you just want to let go. You want to not care about anything and just well ... end it. Don't fault me for being honest ... !

One of my favorite things in the world is watching the sunset ... I truly think its one of the most beautiful things God ever made! Sometimes I'll climb up on the roof and just watch the sun go down with an array of purples and blues and pinks ... its truly beautiful! As I watch the sun go down surrounded by God's nature, its like I just automatically begin to feel okay. Like I feel like I can make it, feel like I can go on, feel like I can make it ... ! After feeling hopeless that is the most wonderful feelings you could ever feel ... If you've never felt it, then I really can't explain it ...

Theres this artist called Melissa Otto and I absolutely love her music ... she has two songs that really speak to my soul on the 'bad days' :: 1) Its Alright (hence my blog title) and 2) Father of the Fatherless ... its always calming and inspiring ... so many times those songs have helped me and 'brought me back from the edge' in a sense ... its like my soul stops what its doing and takes a deep breath and I can quietly whisper where ever I am, even in the most violent storm ::

*closes eyes*

*takes deep breath*



"... its alright ... "

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

smile, its the end of the world (:

I love it when you find not one, but two songs that you can relate to exactly, but thats not really what I wanted to blog about ...

You can see from the title kinda what I want to talk about, right?

So recently so many things have been happening ... not just in the world, but in the church and in homes, in lives ... everywhere ... even the weather is being wack. If you remember correctly, you'll see that Jesus said these things were going to happen before the end of time. Its amazing to be alive to see prophecies fulfilled. It lets me know that the end of all time is near. I look at some of the long term plans that I have and I begin to wonder if any of them will ever happen ... college, getting married, career, kids (maybe), retirement ... they all seem so fluffy when you look at the world we live in. It seems like its beginning to boil, and its soon gonna boil over ... and I've seen people change ... like even the people that were "good" ... you begin to see all taking sides, and it tears my heart apart when I see people I love and care about taking the wrong side. But alas! I cannot live their lives for them, I can only live my own. For me, its almost like do or die ... sounds so great, right? But no, I'm serious ... when you honestly look at it, all of us are living with this "do or die" theme ... either we accept Jesus and His eternal life, or we don't and suffer eternal death. Simple and complicated as that ... I've felt the great controversy fought out over my own life too many times to count, and it continues to rage on ... Its really amazing when you can see it almost with your own eyes. I see my friends taking sides, and I can tell that people don't have long to make up their mind. (ohh hey, that rhymes! I should like write a poem from that ;) okay, but I'm serious! time is short ... and you know what? that makes me so happy because I am really tired of the pain in this world! Jesus is coming soon ... ! whoot! (x ohhh c'mon, doesn't that make you happy too? =D isn't it awesome? yeah, I know you wanna smile (: so yeah ... smile, its the end of the world (: that is all ... xo

Thursday, September 23, 2010

ahh, my poor blogg ... =P

Ohh dear ... me and this blog ... ! I love blogging! But somehow I don't know why its being really neglected ... if your reading this, can you do me a favor? Leave a comment to let me know that people actually read all my random thoughts. (: I'd really like to know if anyone does. Okay, now I can write my blog ...

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

... just some random rambling ... ;)

Randomness ... I'm pretty good at that! My blog has been suffering. I meant to write in it 20 times this month, but it appears that I will only have 2. =/ Anyway, time has been flying along ... ! If all goes well, I shall be finished with high school next month! ;D I'll still have to take my SAT, PSAT, ACT and any other test that are required to get into college, but I think thats pretty awesome ... yeahh, I was really sad that I couldn't go to academy, but I'm trying to make the best of it and be happy ... I plan on doing a double major ... still trying to figure out if I'm going to do it in Biology and Nutrition, or Nutrition and Nursing ... then, I plan on heading to another college for my masters and doctorate. =D I do believe I shall get my doctorate in preventive medicine ... ! I think it would be awesome to help people get healthy and stay healthy and never have to bother with those stupid pills and numerous doctor visits. In today's society that would be pretty awesome ... ! The college I want to attend is relatively small compared to what most people think. They have quite a few awesome programs and extra curricular activities that appeal to me. Most important, the campus has a spiritual atmosphere. Everywhere you go you can just feel the peace of the place ... Its a beautiful campus (you can see that from the picture) and I do believe the winters there will suit me. I can't say that I have friends there or that I know people that will be going there, its just that I do believe thats where I need to go to college. Sure, going to a public college is a lot cheaper and more convenient and closer to home, but I feel that it is so important for me to attend a Christian college. It will be a sacrifice; its not in any way cheap, and with the load I want to take it very well may add a lot of stress onto a 17 year old (how old I plan to be when I go to college), but I do believe that it would be worth it very much. Very much .... random ... yeahh ... give me a sec to think of something important to write about ... ;) 

Sunday, August 8, 2010

... dancing in the rain ...

Almost all my life I've alway laughed at the thought of dancing in the rain. I mean, why get all wet when you could go indoors and stay nice and dry? But recently, I've seen a lot more to the phrase "dancing in the rain". Before you get scared, its not the 'bad' dancing. Not the kind of stuff that you wouldn't want to get involved in. Its the dancing that isn't really dancing. It is, but it isn't ... ohh, well ... let me explain ... lately, its been pretty rainy in my life ... it seems like nothings going the way I would like for it to be going ... school, loads of homework, no job ... the list could go on ... yes, its very ungrateful considering the things that I have that a lot of people in the world don't, but somehow that knowledge doesn't really comfort me. Its weird, if you know what I mean ... Honestly, it feels like your walking in the rain ... constantly ... like nothing goes right. That never leaving cloud that totally rains on your parade. Whoot. Its annoying and disheartening. It just won't go away. Its like you can just see the sun from under it and you run toward it expecting to burst into sunlight but bamm!! That cloud follows you! What is going on? And its not like its just raining, its pouring. What to do now? Its not like you want to stay like this the rest of your life ... What can you do? Its depressing ... But somehow you know that there is a way out from this thing ... there simply has to be. No problem has ever arisen without there being an intelligent way to solve it. So you look for the answer, but you don't find it right away ... nobody never said it would be easy. ( : So I've kept looking and then I discovered a secret that really isn't a secret. Instead of trying to get out of the rain I've decided to enjoy it. Rain is refreshing and beautiful ... why not take advantage of it? So, for the past couple of days, I've been "dancing in the rain"; letting the cool rain run down my fact as I stare up with my eyes closed toward the sky and getting drenched. Its a beautiful feeling ... And the surprising thing is, that the rain kind of washes all the bad feelings away ... you know, as I've thought more about this, I realize how this concept of "dancing in the rain" is not something new. It actually came from God. No, you won't find it mentioned directly in the Bible, but its there in the words like "Rejoice evermore". Sure, maybe you can't stop the rain, but you can learn to dance in it. And before you know it, you'll find the rain stopped and everything dried up. I saw a quote the other day that helped me a lot ...

Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass;
its about learning to dance in the rain ...

So are you gonna dance in the rain or not?? ( :

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

h'mmm ... ( :

So I'm not really sure what to call this blog ... "h'mmm ... " will have to do! Anyway, the world is due for an update on my life ... GED classes had started! (-_-) No, I am not excited to be doing loads of homework while it is still technically summer. I guess I'm learning something ... and maybe I'll go to college next year ... still would REALLY like to go to academy, but who knows if that will happen? My "classmates" are okay ... some of them are quite interesting, to say the least ... ! So I still haven't really decided what I should do with my life ... probably nursing, if I get my GED this year ... maybe after that I'll do something else, but at least I'd be able to have a job. Which is very important in today's society .. ! I love media and biology and (yeah, this is the weird one) the criminal justice system ... call me crazy, but being a lawyer and arguing with people and using reverse (or not reverse) psychology and getting paid to somehow attracts me. Still, I can't really say what I will end up doing. Just narrowing down the options. Life can be so confusing at times ... ! Its crazy ... but I kind of already have next summer mapped out. So I want to work with this Sanctuary replica for the summer ... then school; either academy or college, depending on what happens this year. Then whatever happens after that happens ... ! (as you can see, I'm low on writing ideas today besides my utterly boring life ... =P) Hey, I should have a good idea of something to write ... later ... my mind is currently fried from countless math equations ... grrrr, I don't like that subject ...... !!!!!!! Yeahh ... anyway, just a peek into my life for ya ... ! ( :

Friday, July 9, 2010

.... *beautiful thoughts* ....

Thoughts ... those little things that are always going through our head ... at least girls heads; according to a male Christian consoler, guys actually have a "nothing box" in their head when they can actually think about nothing ... how that happens, I have no idea ... ! But for me, I'm always thinking ... there isn't a moment when I'm not contemplating something. About the weather, the future, my life, my friends, my family, God, what I'm going to do with my life, how much money I need, etc. Whatever is happening, I'm thinking. Either calm, reminiscing thoughts, anxious, frantic thoughts, or just about whatever is going on at the moment. Thinking is one of my favorite activities. When there seems to be nothing else to do, you always have a brain to keep you occupied. So what do you think about? Shallow thoughts, or deep thoughts? ( I would like to think that I think very deep thoughts ) Is it even important? Really, thoughts can't be that big of a deal. I mean, unless it comes out of your mouth, why worry about it? Whether you realize it or not, your thoughts do have a great deal to do with you. When you think filthy thoughts, chances are your going to talk filthy and act filthy. When you think depressing thoughts, your probably going to be depressed. When you think sad thoughts, most likely you'll be sad. When you think angry thoughts, you'll almost always be angry. And when you think beautiful thoughts, I'm almost positive that you'll be beautiful. Its just like a pitcher. Okay, lets say that you have an empty pitcher and you begin to pour red Kool-Aid into it. After a while, the pitcher fills up and if you don't stop pouring the drink in, it begins to overflow. So lets say that you feed yourself anger; angry books, angry TV shows, angry movies, around angry friends. The pitcher is full of it. But as you keep pouring this stuff in, it begins to come out. It flows over into the rest of your life. Whether you want to believe it or not, "by beholding you become changed". Same with filthiness, sadness, depression, anxiety ... all of it. But turn the scenario around. What if you begin to behold beautiful things? Beautiful books, beautiful TV shows, beautiful people, beautiful things ... you begin to become beautiful! We already established in an earlier blog that real beauty isn't outward; it comes from God and its comes from your heart. This isn't that "fake" beauty that really isn't beautiful at all. So what do you think about? I challenge you for one week to seek to surround yourself with truly beautiful things. Go on nature walks, talk to an older lady that had a fulfilling life, read the Bible, try to smile even when things are hard. I also challenge you to avoid the things that are not beautiful. Pessimistic and depressing people, TV shows that put your mind in the gutter, staying inside all day, books that don't help you to be any happier. See what happens after one week of this "therapy". I can guarantee that you will see a difference for the better in your life. And if you don't, try it for another week. Who wants to be thinking ugly thoughts? Beautiful thoughts make beautiful people ... we all want to be beautiful, whether we want to admit it or not. But this is the way to have *real* beauty ... try it ...

and seek to think *beautiful thoughts* ( :

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Creation or Evolution ... ? O_o

Sooo ... the last few days I've been at General Conference (that explains the after 11:00 almost 12 blog) and its been pretty fun. But anyway, a couple days ago my friends and I were walking around the booths being bored and someone got the "bright" idea to go up to a certain colleges booth and ask them why they supposedly teach evolution. So we go up and its this "modern looking dude" (that actually had a pretty awesome watch! lol). Anyway, at first he was trying to talk us all into putting on some of the colleges stickers so that we could be publicity for them, or something. We firmly told him no. He caught on quite quick. He knew we weren't there to get stickers ... so the "bold" one of us finally spoke up. "Do you guys really teach evolution?" "Ahhh!", he said, "you've heard the rumors!" Rumors? H'mm ... so he went on to tell us what "really happened" and how the whole thing came about. But as we went on into the conversation he began to get agitated. Unfortunately (or fortunately), I have th mind of a lawyer. Basically, everything is false unless proven true. The things that he was saying to defend the colleges position on evolution weren't satisfying enough for me. I wanted to go deeper. So, as I usually do, I began to dig, ask questions that you can't answer except with a "yes" or "no" unless you don't answer it (okay, I admit, I kinda like to see people squirm when you ask them a point-blank question too). So I asked him, "Do you believe in a literal six day creation by God?" His answer: "I believe God created the world". So I said: "No, no. You didn't answer the question. Do you believe in a literal six day creation by God?" He said again: "I believe God created the world". He said some other things that I shall no repeat not because they were bad, but because they just don't bare repeating. To say I was disappointed is a serious understatement ... I was no less then shocked! A Christian (pastor at that) that didn't believe that God created our world? Huh? Either you believe God created this world or you don't. I'm sorry, there is no grey area! If for some irrational reason you don't believe that God created this world then by default your an evolutionist. Sorry, pick one or the other. And no, all those forms of creation/evolution don't work out either. God .... God created this world! Everywhere you look you can see the touch of His Divine hand. From the tree's to the oceans. From the flower to the tomato. Even when we look at our own bodies, you can see that we didn't just "evolve". So if everything started with a "big bang" then how did that come about? Its common sense that nothing CAN'T explode simply because its ... nothing. *big duh there* But its seems as if a lot of people are taking hold of this theory (and yes, it is indeed a theory because its NOT A FACT AND IT HASN'T BEEN PROVEN!!!!!!!). Its sad ... that people would rather believe that they came from a monkey rather then that they were created by a loving God ... so I'm writing this blog to tell you where I stand ...

I believe that God created this world,
the animals,
the plants,
the environment,
and most of all,
I believe that He created you and me!
And then, when we fell, He actually
sent His Son to die for us.

Really, whats the point of believing in God when you don't believe that He created you? Nothing at all ... so yeahh ... I think thats all I had to say ... WOW! after 12! Time for bed! D= *smile*


Friday, June 18, 2010

"Can't" shouldn't be in our vocabularies ... !

Yes, yes ... I just put this picture on the other blog, but I think its so true that an entire blog needed to be devoted to it ... !

There seems to be so much "can't" in life. We all want to do something but its like ... you can't. For me personally there are a ton of things. I want to change the world. I want to play like 10 or more instruments. I want to write a song that will change lives. I want to give a home to the homeless. I want to give illiterate children a chance at an education. I want to help people everywhere. I want to help spread the gospel ... but this one little word always interrupts my thoughts. *can't* ahh ... I don't like that word! It just seems to ruin anything that I've wanted, wished, hoped, or dreamed to do. It like this cloud that hovers over you and rains on your parade. Of course, we can't do anything apart from God, but God says that the impossible is possible with him. God is not a God of "can't"s, He is a God of "can"s! ( : Truth be told, I think the Devil is responsible for the "can't cloud" that hovers over so many people! I mean, if everyone thinks that they can't then he has a hold over them. I've met too many young people that tell me "I want to follow God and all, but I can't!" Is that true? Nope ... thats what the Devil wants you to think ... ! Let me tell you, it is possible ... ! Okay, so thats how it applies to the spiritual life ... but what about the other things in life? What about when you wish that you could just do something and you (think that) you can't! Example: For years and years I've tried to write a book ... I tried a story book, a biography, a school book ... you name it, I tried it ... ! I told myself that I couldn't do it ... I can't! Buuut guess what? I've actually written and completed a book! (^_^) Instead of thinking "can't" I decided to try thinking "can" and I did it! So yeah, I don't know whats going on in your life, but I just want you to know that CAN'T SHOULDN'T BE IN YOUR VOCABULARY! Never say you can't ... if you think your gonna fail chances are that you will ... so be a little more positive! Don't think *can't* think *can* ... ! Remember: "can't" is "can" with a 't ... remove the 't and you'll get somewhere ... ! ( : *can* *can* *can* *can* *can* *can* =D

*~Smile~* ( :

This is one of those random blogs that really have no great theme ... I just want you to smile!

Okay, so today I was playing around on Facebook and found this page called something like "Positive Positivity" I think ... anyway, I found a ton on inspirational quotes and pictures that I wanna share ... ! Enjoy ... ! *and smile* ( :

Remember! You are what you see yourself to be ... not just that, but God always sees you as more then you think you are! Be encouraged!

Just because its big doesn't mean you can't do it. So if no one has ever told you before, YOU CAN DO IT! (only with God's help! : )

Be strong! Just because you can't see around the mountain doesn't mean that the sun isn't there ... keep going! You'll make it!

Do bad days happen? Of course! But don't let that get you down ... ! Look for the good ... I can promise that if you look hard enough your gonna find it ... ! ( =

NEVER GIVE UP! Just because it looks like you won't make it doesn't give an excuse to stop ... only the people that keep going are the people that get where they want to go ... so be encouraged! don't EVER give up!

Never forget this ... if you think your not gonna make it, then in all probability you won't! Don't think "can't" think "can"!

Okayy, thats all I have ... I hope that you smiled and that maybe if your feeling like giving up (like I was before I saw these!) that you decided to keep on ... until you make it ... ! wherever you wanna go ... ~*smile*~ ( :

Friday, June 11, 2010

. . . . . . .

I don't really know what to title this blog (hence the ". . . . ") because I just, u'mm, don't ... ! Anyway, if you haven't noticed it before, I put a quote on my blog at the top. It says:

Sometimes people put up walls,
not to keep others out,
but to see who cares enough to break
them down.

When I first saw that quote I was like "Whoa! That is sooo me!" I've seen it several other places in different wordings (ex. the picture), but its all the same message. To go deeper into it, it basically says that people build "walls" around them. These walls can be anything, really. Like personality, like attitude, like being seclusive, like not coming out the house, etc. And these people have no intention of ever breaking down those walls; they want other people to care enough to break them down for them. Some people don't understand that. They can't see why a person would build a wall and expect them to tear it down. I totally see the "logic" (well, not really logic, but the reason) in that. I'm not exactly a out going person. I don't usually 'go out of my shell' or out of my way to get people to notice me. It hasn't always been easy for me to make friends. Like I said in the trust blog, sometimes its hard to trust people ... that they really will be there for you. So I build walls; a lot of walls. Because I don't want to get hurt. So I build more walls, and I'm not about to break them down, right? If you really want to know me, your gonna have to break them down yourself. Well, this is the way I used to be. Slowly, but surely, those walls are coming down like the walls of Jericho. Those walls are totally self preservation. Selfish really. They protect you. And they keep out all those that want to be in your life and will actually be there for you. So yep, they really need to come down. Its hard for those walls that were there for so long to all of a sudden come down. Well really, its not 'all of a sudden'; it takes time. Sometimes it takes a long time. But they must come down. Because whether you realize it or not, you can't let God in with those walls. He can't be the center of your life when you are surrounded by thick, stony walls. The quote says: not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break them down. So no, the point isn't to keep others out, but thats what you end up doing. Because while your waiting for "someone" to come break them down, you pass by others that would be some of the best people in your life because they aren't trying to break anyone's walls down. You may argue that if a person truly loves you that they will break any wall down. Okay, sure ... Thats true ... but what about all the other people that do love you, but don't know how to break down your walls. They may care, but eventually those people move on because they can't get to you. Another thing I want to point out: If you have those walls, God is the only and I mean the only One that can get through and break them down. Because when God breaks them down then others can get through too. So yeahh ... just been thinking ... ( :

Monday, May 31, 2010

Let It Go ...

I'm sure I'm not the only one thats gone through 'something' and been affected by what other decided to do. Its like it feels that everyone uses you to do what they want then they cast you aside and move on to the next person. Or maybe, someone that you trusted lied to you. Or could be that you have been wronged by someone that should have protected you. Whatever the case, it seems that the majority of the human race has in one way or the other had to forgive someone. Sometimes it can be kind of easy, other times it can be so difficult. But every time, you come to the cross road: forgive or hold a grudge? Holding grudges have been medically proven to decrease health, while forgiveness gives health and vitality to a soul that would have been bogged down with who knows what. I'm the kind of person that takes forever to get angry. People can do all manner of things to me, and I'll never react. But if I ever get angry at someone or something, you can count on me never forgetting it. So forgiveness doesn't exactly come easy for me. Its not usually my first reaction to a situation. I used to pride myself on being a master at acting. I loved to act fine and okay, when I was crying and torn up and depressed inside. I became so good at it that even my family couldn't tell the difference. Now as I look back I can see the danger in pushing things below the surface and trying to be okay when you aren't. It doesn't work to well, for one thing, and the other part is that you learn to act so well that you forget who you really are ... what your actually like. Being naturally sensitive to what people say to me from the time I was small has had its disadvantages. I've always wanted to be 'tough' and not a 'cry baby' so I've almost always buried things underneath, trying to be the person I'm not. My 'plan' backfired seriously. Now I'm dealing with all of the things that I've buried that insisted on resurfacing. Blahh ... no fun ... As I look back again, I wish so much that I had learned to let things go; even things that really hurt me. You can't let things go by yourself, though; almost always it takes help from Jesus for you to actually just let things go, to forgive and forget and move on. As I said before, its not always easy, but I can promise that its doable. With God 'all things are possible' even forgiving the most grievous sin against you. So I don't know what you've gone through, what kind of things that have been done to hurt you, what others have done against you, but I do know this one thing ... let it go ... holding on to it will only destroy you. Forgive, forget, and move on ... Life isn't fair in any way, shape, or form so I know that a lot of 'unfairities' (made up word) have happened to you just like they've happened to me. But you gotta, you really gotta, just let it go ... because holding onto it does nothing for you! Its like taking poison and expecting the other person to die ... doesn't make sense. I can hear someone that's reading thins saying "You don't understand what I've been through! You have no idea!" Well, your correct, very correct. I don't know ... but I do know that you need to let it go ... ask for God's help. He will help you! He wants you to be able to forgive too. I love the picture because it seems that sometimes the things that we go through chain us to something or someone. Clip the tie ... don't keep holding on ... So thats the thought I want to leave with you today; no matter whats happened, what you've gone through, or whats been done to you, I urge you to let it go ... just let it go ...

Friday, May 21, 2010

*Real* Beauty ... !

In the world that we live in today it seems that the only way to dubbed as "beautiful" is to be skinny as a bean pole (no offense to those that are naturally skinny!), have long, wavy hair, flawless skin, not too tall, not too short, be --ahem-- 'blessed', and have a pretty face. Voila! Then your beautiful! But really ... are you? Okay, so maybe your one of those girls that will have guys bending over backward to get a second look (and if you haven't already guesses, I'm not in that group); still, are you really beautiful? Maybe you've never had a guy 'like' you, or you always run past the mirror. But does that make you not beautiful? What is beauty? The dictionary would describe the word beauty as "the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind ... " *cough cough* I dare say that the dictionary is somewhat wrong. Beauty is that ... a little ... but I'm talking about *real* beauty. It seems that almost every girl is on a quest to be beautiful ... I want to share a poem that I wrote about this subject some time ago ... I was crying out at that time ... I wanted to be beautiful so bad; then, as He always does, God showed me something that I want to share with you all ...

I see the past and imagine the future, yet one little thread runs though it all.
A desire ... something that is wanted by many. Not just to be loved,
popular, and wanted. Something else ... similar, yet totally different. Others
may have it, but many don't. Still some pretend they have it, but in reality,
they are far from it. This desire manifest itself in the most interesting ways.
When you look in a mirror, when you're trying to get to sleep, when your're
friends are around or talking on the phone. When you're looking at a
magazine or shopping at the store ... this desire comes ever so strongly.
Sometimes you can push it down or ignore it, but other times it comes
so strong that you are forced to look it in the eye. And sometimes ...
sometimes it makes you cry. This desire is not new' it has been passed
down through the ages. Many wrap their lives around it and make it
their prime thought. Others pretend not to care ... even when everybody
knows their lying. Some go to great lengths trying to satisfy the desire. Even
doing things that may not be healthy or good to do so. Some even hurt
themselves trying to satisfy it ... but nothing ... nothing seems to work.
And all ... all are dying for just one thing. Their dying ....
dying to be beautiful ....

That same day I wrote a song ... It was like God's answer to my question ...

We look at someone and say their beautiful, not thinking about
the other part. Real beauty is deeper than appearances,
something that comes from the heart. And I know most
every girl dreams of being beautiful, but maybe we've got
this beauty thing all wrong ...

God says, 'I have made you beautiful, beautiful.
I love you just the way you are'. We think we are
still not beautiful, beautiful, and walk around with
broken hearts still trying, dying, to be
beautiful, beautiful ...

Maybe we need to take a step back and look at things the
way they are. Stop looking to others to tell us we're beautiful
and look to the One who made us like we are. He's the only one
that can make you the star that He wants you to be ...

God says, 'I have made you beautiful, beautiful.
I love you just the way you are'. We think we are
still not beautiful, beautiful, and walk around with
broken hearts still trying, dying, to be
beautiful, beautiful ...

Its not always easy to accept the way we are,
but God made you to be you. He loves you
and He thinks your beautiful, so beautiful,
because your beauty comes from within
your heart ...

God says, 'I have made you beautiful, beautiful.
I love you just the way you are' ...

He loves you and He thinks your beautiful ...
so beautiful ....

So real beauty, real beauty, isn't something that depends on your looks, the way your shaped, or how many guys 'like' you. *Real* beauty 1) comes from God and 2) is centered in your heart. When you help and older lady clean her house, when your kind, considerate, cheerful, and helpful. I don't know about you, but I've found that some of the people that we consider "beautiful" are actually pretty shallow underneath. What kind of beauty do you posses? Is it only the outward beauty that make people glance at you, or is it the real, inner beauty that reflects a heart that is consecrated to Christ? H'mm ... something to think about, huh? :) Let your beauty be from within ... let it flow from Christ ... remember "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman that fears the LORD, she shall be praised" (Prov. 31: 30)

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Have YOU Decided?

You know, the past few day's I've really been thinking ... about a lot of spiritual stuff ... wondering ... I know that most people don't want to go to hell; a lot of people want to go to heaven. But how? I mean, I know that Jesus died so that we can be saved and all, but just claiming God's grace over your life and doing whatever you want isn't exactly going to "get you there", if you know what I mean. So I've been wondering ... Like what if you really want to go to heaven and all, but you just can't seem to make up your mind enough ... Like you keep failing and failing and failing .... sinning and sinning and sinning ... and you just can't seem to stop! You want to know Jesus. You want to be used in His service, but you know that you can't do that being the way you are. So yeahh, what do you do? As I kept turning this over in my head ... and praying about it ... and then it was like Jesus whispered in my ear and then a song came into my mind ...

I have decided to follow Jesus,
I have decided to follow Jesus,
I have decided to follow Jesus,
No turning back,
No turning back.

And then ... then it all made sense! We must decide! It all boils down to our choice. Its not like we have to sin. We don't have to fail. Jesus is ready and waiting to give us the victory over every sin that besets us. But we have to decide ... do we want to follow Jesus? Do we want to be freed from sin? Do we want to be in His service? I don't know about you, but I want that more than anything else in the world. The decision is the first step. As we allow Jesus to live His life out within us we can become like Him. So all this struggling and restlessness is for nothing. In short, make up your mind! Either you wanna follow Jesus or you don't ... And thats not always the easiest thing to do ...

Though none go with me, still I will follow;
Though none go with me, still I will follow;
Though none go with me, still I will follow;
No turning back,
No turning back.

When you really decide to follow Jesus, you may have to let somethings go. Like maybe certain types of music, movies, and activities that you do. It won't exactly be easy, but once you've decided thats the only way to get closer to Jesus; by letting go of the things that are between you and Jesus.

The world behind me, the cross before me;
The world behind me, the cross before me;
The world behind me, the cross before me;
No turning back,
No turning back.

Then usually, you will want others, especially your friends and family, to make the same decision too. You want them to follow Jesus so that you can all spend eternity together in paradise. Thats what I want for all my friends and family ...

Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
No turning back,
No turning back.

Thats pretty much it ... have you decided?

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Psh, who to trust??

I'm trying to be a lot more cheerful these days, but sometimes (probably due somewhat to --ahem-- "being a girl") life can kind of get you down. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that there is hope in spite of anything I may go thorough (last blog) yet at times I just wish that that hope would manifest itself a little more ... I have some awesome friends that I love a lot and I thank God for them everyday. But then I have some "friends" that have passed through my life over the years that once promised to "be there forever", but "forever" didn't last much longer then they did. xP Sometimes I feel like yelling at them: "I trusted you! I let you into my life! Why are you doing this to me?", but somehow I know that it would do nothing but drive them further away ... I won't lie; it kind of hurts to have someone so close and then find them to be far away. Then I wonder ... Is it me? Is it because I have some sort of problem that they snubbed me? Ahhgg ... life can be so cruel at times. But hey, I know that God has given me some of the best friends in the world. The funny think is that most of them are over the internet, not in person. Every time I talk to them (instant messaging) I have to thank God that He brought these wonderful friendships into my life even thought a lot of friends have let me down in a lot of ways. In Micah 7:5 it says: "Do not trust a friend; do not put your confidence in a companion ..." How much plainer can you get? I've been wondering ... WHO CAN I TRUST?!?!and I just have to realize that, pretty much, no one ... yup. As humans our promises are like "ropes of sand" as one author wrote ... when I look back at my own life I can see friends that I've brushed off and ignored. I guess I'm just getting some of my own medicine, huh? I've tried in recent years to never ever ignore someone that needs a friend and I've made quite a few friends like that. Somehow, even having the best friends that I could ever pray for doesn't make loosing friends any easier. But the thing that I am most grateful for is that no matter how many friends I may loose due to whatever, there is still One Person that I can always trust. Jesus. He was always there when I was feeling so alone ... to put it bluntly, you can't really trust people. They can and many times will let you down. But you can always always always trust Jesus. The Friend that will never ever leave you or forsake you. I am so thankful for that, aren't you? :) Okay, blogging therapy has worked; I feel much happier now! =D

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

... HOPE ...

I don't know why, but recently the word "hope" had been floating around and around in my head. I mean, when we look out at the world and see the desperate condition that it is in, where is hope? Dare we hope? Dare we dream? Dare we wish? I know that its not just me; millions of people have had their dreams crushed by different things. So where is hope in all of this? Where can we find hope in the world where there seems to be absolutely no hope? As I was contemplating this and playing around on my guitar, a song came out. It was something of an accident ... check it out ...

Is there any way for me to have hope everyday of my life?
I must find a way for me to have hope
and loosen the chains that bind my life.
Everywhere I look I am mistaken,
'cause ever bit of hope had been taken.

Then I hear a Voice calling out to me,
"Here is hope for you and everybody.
And this hope, it is in Me;
come and drink that water that will make you free.
Hope is in Me".

This hope isn't cheap, it was bought with a price,
just for you and for me.
But it's free to those who would like
to be free from the hopelessness in their lives.
Some have tried to find it different places,
but they just walk around in empty mazes.

I hear a Voice calling out to me,
"Here is hope for you and everybody.
And this hope, it is in Me;
come and drink the water that will make you free.
Hope is in Me".

You may think that I'm telling lies,
so come and see for your own eyes.
This is not some temporary hope;
it's real .... it's real ....

I hear a Voice calling out to me,
"Here is hope for you and everybody.
And this hope, it is in Me;
come and drink the water that will make you free.
Hope is in Me".

I've found a way for me to have hope everyday of my life ....

© Alonda Denise 2010

One thing that we forget on a regular basis is that hope, all hope, can only be found in Jesus. Man, without Jesus there is no hope! I know that recently we've heard a lot about hope, but real hope ... is only and exclusively in God ... Thank God for hope ... !

Monday, April 26, 2010

Confusion Confusion ... why so confused?

Well, life has been okay as of late. Sort of ... only one little itty bitty problem. I don't know what to do with my life!!!! It looks like I will be getting my GED soon. Thats a good thing, I suppose. But then what? I absolutely refuse to sit around home being a bummy teenager doing nothing. Either I need to work or I need to go to school. I love helping people and I also love Biology so I'm thinking about going into nursing. With this nursing shortage it seems like one of the best options. But alas! I don't know if thats what I should do! Ahhhh!! My life has just shifted into 5th gear and is picking up speed. I hope this thing doesn't spin out of control. The crazy thing is I just want to do what God would have me to do ... but I don't think I know what that is ... ! Confusion ... I know that I'm only 16 but I'm the kind of person that likes to be on top of things. I don't like to feel that I'm out of control. But being that way makes it a lot harder for me to just let go and let God. Sometimes I ask myself: Do I really know who I am? I mean, really? And I have to say no. Only God know's who I really am. With that knowledge, I have no business trying to run my own show and direct my own life because I would pick something that I think I would like and end up hating it. I don't know me. Sometimes thats a little hard to accept, but the truth is the truth! Well, I do believe that leaving it in God's infinite hands is the best way to go. Even though I'm something of a control freak and I don't like to be out of control, I know that my life without God would be a disaster. The awesome thing is, God can take my ultimate disaster and create something of a beautiful disaster. Yup, thats me ... a beautiful disaster ... ! O wait, I don't know who I am ... h'mmm ... =)

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Vent of Pent Up Feelings ...

Sometimes I wonder why I bother with this blogging business when I know pretty much no one reads it (:P). O well ... I have come to the wacky conclusion that, on a general scale and excluding my brothers, guys cause problems. Yes, I know that is a blanket statement and that there are exceptions to every rule. I'm just saying that the majority of the guys that I come in contact with are, well ... problems (and you know that is totally not my fault!). Where are the gentlemen that will open doors for ladies, help them down steps, stand when they enter and leave a room, and throw their coats on the ground so the lady doesn't have to step in the puddle (okay, I'll admit that is a bit extreme)? Why does it seem that the entire (teenage) population of the male gender has completely dissolved into jerks? Ahh, a startling observation, no? Well, of course things don't happen without a reason. And there is a reason. I think that I shall leave it up to you to figure it out (if you simply can't, ask me). So what is the remedy? Stay away from all guys under 18!!! Haha, yes I'm kidding. You really can't do that. I have found that when you begin to treat all people (including jerky guys) with kindness, somehow it helps them to treat you nicer as well. Not in all situations; there have been people that are mean no matter what you do. But as a general rule I have found that the guys are usually craving attention and affirmation (as a lot of girls are too) and that when you show them kindness and treat them like they really are people and men they will usually treat you a much better than they would have originally done. Wait; am I contradicting myself? Now I'm confused ... O well, you get the point! :)

Friday, April 2, 2010

Must keep blogging; Must keep blogging; Must keep blogging ...

Okkkaaayyyy.... So life has been throwing some interesting stuff at me lately, but its all good. Thank God for the weekend! I am so looking forward to relaxing and just enjoying the Sabbath. And Spring is here! Actually, Fall is my favorite time of year but I do appreciate Spring after a long Winter and all the beautiful blossoms! It makes you think about how significant it is the Jesus arose in the Spring. I mean, for some people Winter is harsh and cold and then, almost overnight it seems, Spring comes out! The trees have flowers! The days are longer! I am so thankful that Jesus arose. He died, yes, but He would have just been good teacher, a man that taught us how to live better lives, had He not arisen. But God beat back the forces of darkness that sought to keep Him in the tomb and brought His Son back to life. Because of that we can have confidence that our loved ones that are sleeping now in Jesus will be brought back to life again. Think about it; Jesus never encountered death without winning. From Lazarus to the Widow of Nain, to Moses and then to Himself. Death has no power when Jesus is present and one day He will eradicate it permanently. I look forward to that day... :)

Thursday, March 25, 2010

My Pilgrim Progress . . . . .

Just another poem.... :)

No! No! Not darkness again! I don't ever want to go back; not to that sin. But I am at a dead end. There is no way out. My sanity is not on the mend. Tears streamed down my face and over my mouth. I struggled under the baggage that I had called mine for far too long. All I could do was turn back to that city filled with smog. As I passed others that had lost their way as well, I couldn't help but cry and hope that this was not some spell. I did not want to end up like this; what is the problem? I wanted to go down the good path, that takes problems and solves them. But, of course, I always end up back at where I began. Going home to the people the first introduced and encouraged me to sin. As I walked back through that door I heard all of their mocking laughs; "Its you, again!" Sighing and wishing that they would just let me be, I sat down; time for plan Z. As I was formulating my plan something caught my eye. It was something different, as if it had been disguised. Blowing off a layer of dust I opened the cover. What was it? Must be older than my mother… As I looked to the worn pages I saw a map. It lead out of the city; I sat down and rested the Book in my lap. Before I knew what I was doing I grabbed my luggage once again. I must make it out of this City of Sin. Hugging the Book to my chest I once again made my way to the door. "Whe're you going now?" I heard the coarse words covered by a snore. "Out" was the only answer I gave as I made my way to the road that was not paved. I opened the Book to follow the map. My mouth fell open in an audible gasp. This road would take me where? H'mmm…I don't know. What about the awful creatures, c old, rain, and snow? Snapping the book shut I almost turned back. But my heart would not let me. I could not go back. Standing up as strait as I could with the weight on my back, I almost fell over from the heaviness of the awful sack. Putting my right foot forward I began down this mysterious path. As I came around a corner I was startled by a sharp, wicked laugh. "Don't go down this road!" a dirty, foul smelling man warned. Shaking my head I continued anyway. "Hey! Didn't you hear me?" he slurred, pulling my arm until it felt as if it was torn. "Let go!" I demanded, my eye's flashing fire. I knew that he was nothing but an incompetent, filthy liar. As I twisted free I broke into a run, but I didn't get far. That pack on my back was like carrying a car. I opened the Book and was surprised to see that this Book contained more than a map. It also had a key. Besides that, it had some other words. They were different than anything I had ever heard! "Believe on Jesus and you will be free". I wanted that! Was this truly for me? As I read on silent tears streamed down my weary face. I felt as if found something real; but just a taste. I knew that this map was not going to take me somewhere bad. I was tired of being like this, tired of being sad. Somehow I knew that I had to follow this path. But what if this isn't for real? I don't even know the half. What is going to happen down this road? Will I ever be released from this load? Deciding to go no matter what, I marked my page and made sure the Book was shut. Starting out once again I traveled farther and farther away from the City of Sin. Coming to a deep chasm I wondered how to get around. Opening my Book my face turned into a frown. "Believe" were the only words on the map for this point. Shrugging off my pack I sat down to rest my weary joints. Believe, huh? How was this done? And speaking of that where was the sun? Clouds covered the sky and it began to rain. I felt like I was about to "loose it", to stop being sane. Angry at myself for coming this far, I turned back to the City of Sin. But wait…that place if full of terrible, sinful, envying women and men. Turning back to the chasm I determined to cross. I threw my bag over with one giant toss. Mumbling "believe" under my breath I closed my eyes and tried to jump over the test. When I opened my eyes I couldn't believe that I was on the other side. I let out all of my held in breath with a deep, satisfied sigh. Picking up my bag I opened the Book. "Continue" was the only thing I saw from my look. The rain had stopped and the sun was shining, but in the distance I saw more clouds brewing. It was just a matter of timing. As I was looking to the side I ran smack into something hard. It was a gate; from the rest of the path I was barred. Then I remembered the key. Someone must have put it there just for me. Putting the key into the lock I turned it and to my utter shock, the gate swung open to rest of the road. I walked on, carrying my heavy load. This was not what I thought it would be. But who cared? I had to see. As I continued to go farther down the way the atmosphere got darker and darker; then the trees began to sway. Becoming frightened, I sought to out run this fast coming darkness. But it was no use. Coming to stop in the dark forest I quickly opened the Book. I had to see what it would say. I had to look. "Trust" were the words I read off the page. Turning my head I saw a horrible animal entrapped in a cage. Jumping back out of fear and horror, my head smacked a tree. How I desperately wished for the morrow. There must be more in that Book. I hoped that I wouldn't find that I'd been took. This had to be real; there was simply no other way. I cried as my trust began to sway. Just as I thought the darkness would consume me a light brighter than the sun drew me. Coming closer and closer I discovered a cross. I hoped that I was not lost. But to my utter surprise and glee my burdens fell off with a thud. I was free! Grabbing the Book I quickly located my place. I wanted to be at the end. I wanted to make haste. But I discovered that I was just at the beginning. I knew that I would never go back to that city filled with sinning. I had made my choice; I would come all the way. I would continue, on come what may. As I walked on I found that there were others walking with me. We all encouraged each other even when we couldn't see. All the time we sensed the Author of the Book's presence with us. Being in His will was a must. Then to my surprise and delight, He asked me to go back to the City of Sin and witness with all my might. I knew that it would not be easy. This was not going to be fun. Many of the people were quite sleazy and carried a ton. But I had to share what brought me life and joy. If they rejected it…? This was not something with to toy. I hoped that they would listen and heed my words. Maybe, just maybe, they would flock to hear in herds. Yet, I knew that wasn't true. I remembered what it was like. I lived in that city filled with hurt, envy, and strife. As I went back in many recognized me. The all came out. They wanted to see. I told them how my life was changed and how I was so happy. They laughed, mocked and answered so sassy. But every once in a while I came upon a poor wearied soul that was waiting to be free, wanting liberty. I eagerly shared what I knew so that their lives, as well, would not be filled with gloom. As I moved from person to person their questions were almost the same. It touched my heart when it came from a little boy that was lame. "Why do you do this?" "Let me tell you; listen closely, this is something you don't want to miss" As I told him why tears filled his eyes. "I'm a pilgrim, and I'm a stranger; I can tarry, I can tarry but a night. Do not detain me for I am going to where the fountains are ever flowing. I'm a pilgrim and I'm a stranger; I can tarry, I can tarry but a night…."

Alonda Denise