Friday, November 25, 2011

I am enough.

so.


I'm gonna be completely honest in this blog. maybe I shouldn't put this stuff on the internet, but I have to share it somewhere.


so ever since I was a little girl I've known that I was "special" in some way. my mom has told me that ... and as I got older people came up to me and said that they "just wanted me to know" that I was "special" or that "billions are depending on you" or that I'm "going to change the world some way". At first, I used to brush them off as crazy and roll my eyes. But as the comments came more frequently and the confirmation from God Himself got clearer I came to see who I really am. 


the person that I've tried to hide all my life. 


but as the responsibility of what I'm "supposed" to do started resting more heavily on my shoulders, I began to squirm, to question, and to wonder ...


how could I be this "special" person?


as I look back over my life and see how messed up I am, I can't see why God would want to use someone like me. there are others, much more qualified and with alot less issues that would be much better suited for whatever it is ('cause I still don't exactly know) that I'm supposed to do. 


but then there's this quote. it says : God doesn't call the qualified; He qualifies the called.


I have to believe that 'cause I'm definitely not qualified for whatever it is. 


still, I struggled to accept this. because you see ... I've always felt like I've never been enough.


like I've never gotten there (where ever it is).


y'know?


every time I do something of remote significance, I convince myself that it is not enough and that I will never be enough. some would say that I'm just trying to prevent myself from being arrogant or getting prideful 'cause I'm "special" or whatever, but its not like that at all.


every morning I wake up knowing that I'm supposed to do something crazily amazing.


and every morning I almost feel like crying 'cause I know that I'll never be enough. 


it takes amazing people to do amazing things and I certainly don't feel like one of those amazing people if you know at all what I mean.


I've really felt burdened with that in the last couple of weeks.


I constantly feel like I will never be enough and it clouds my thoughts, takes over my mind, and hurts my recovery.


I have to laugh sometimes though, 'cause some people think I'm a "know it all" and that I'm arrogant ... if they only knew how many nights I would have cried myself to sleep if I could because I feel like the scum of the earth and don't understand why I am who I am. sometimes I feel as if the only destiny I have in life is to mop floors in a prison. 


* gasp * the horror. (sarcasm people; mopping floors in a prison really isn't that bad)


I know.


still, that's how I feel ... like all the time.


but yeah, as I said, I've really felt like me never being enough has been screamed in my face the last couple of weeks. 


I was checking my lovely neglected blog tonight. 


I noticed that several of my post had some comments that I hadn't read.


thinking nothing of it really, I clicked and began reading. 


the comments ... random people I don't even know ... they said that they were blessed by my blog. the stuff I randomly write. my thoughts that I think no one reads. one of them even said "what a wonderful girl you are". 


I legit almost started crying. 


'cause it was like as I was reading a dam released all the pent up pressure and I heard God's whisper ...


"you are enough"


if you had any idea how much I needed to know that you would understand why I feel like crying my eyes out right now. 


even if I never do anything in front of a million and one people.


even if I do end up mopping floors in a prison.


even if all I do for the rest of my life is sit here writing random blogs.


I am enough.


just because I'm "special" doesn't mean that I have to be superwoman.


I may be messed up, I may be in recovery, I may still have a long way to go ....


but ....


I am enough.


if that's the last thing I ever hear from God (I pray its not), I'll be fine for the rest of my life ... 


'cause when I'm with Him ...


I am enough


okay. that's it. 


just thought I'd let someone else know about my epiphany. (:


ohhhh by the way, you're enough too !