Friday, January 6, 2012

keep fighting.

so. (lol how many blogs have I started with that word?)

anyway, I was going to write a nice blog about the love of God. 

but I think I shall save that topic for another time.

today was not the loveliest day. my finances are in an epic mess and its questionable whether or not I'll be able to go back to college this coming semester. which happens to start on Monday. >_> yeah, I feel like I'm screwed. and after a month of trying to get up the money, looking for a job, getting denied to countless loans, and being limited by my age, I decided that I was tired of fighting. I'm not even 20 and I have colossal stress about finances and bills ! I told God that I'd just join the military or something and leave college to those with funds. of course, God responds telling me that He owns the cattle on a thousand hills and He wants me to trust Him. but I was tired ... so tired that I just wanted to throw my hands up and surrender to the feelings of doubt, depression, and certain failure. 

and I put this as my status on Facebook :

heart full of pain, head full of stress, hand full of anger held in my chest. uphill struggle; blood, sweat, tears. nothing to gain, everything to fear. 

its a quote by one of my favorite "poets" >_> 

anyway, its encouraging, right? =D

but that's how I literally felt. 

I wondered why I seem to be called to bare such burdens at my age. 

then I remembered that Joseph was around my age when he became a slave at Potipher's house.

anyway, that's not what I was going to say. 

I was talking to one of my close friends.

he's like my bro and I love him alot alot. 

he's also one of the only people that can identify with my weariness in fighting. not that others can't, its just that he gets it in a way that few people do. 

as usual, he told me to not give up. soo much easier said than done. 

while we were in the midst of a text conversation I logged onto my Facebook to see what had happened in the last couple of hours. (bored really) 

I looked on my wall and almost fell off my chair.

one of my friends had posted this :

Don't give up. some things are worth fighting for. when you feel like quitting or giving up, when it seems like the road you're traveling is getting too difficult to bear; when all you just want is to throw your hands up & walk away; when you've literally tried everything, everyone, & everywhere & you are getting frustrated & hopeless; don't quit & don't give up. the more resistance & resilent the challenges become, the closer you're to your breakthrough. if you quit or give up not, you'll never know how close you were to your breakthrough. 

I stared at the screen in shock.

how did she know?!

I hadn't told anyone (except one person) about my struggle today, but Someone must have told her. 

it is literally one of the most amazing things I have ever witnessed.

and I think if God could encourage me and tell someone to write that on my wall, then He must 

be able to take care of whatever financial problems I have.

kinda cool, huh?

so here is my appeal to you.

keep fighting.

even when you think you can't take another day and you're gasping for breath and praying for a 

way out ... keep fighting.

you never know what's around the corner. 

and by the way, if God chooses to not take care of my problems, then I know it must be because

He has something way better. 

so yeah, maybe someone else out there needs to see this today.

keep fighting.

and if you can't fight for yourself, fight for me. xx

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

goodbye 2011 .... !

welp, the time has come again ! 

cannot believe that 2011 is gone. wow.

anyway, 2011 started out really nicely as it usually does when it starts out with GYC. it was such a blessing and I came home inspired and excited. 

but, as always, there's this adversary that tries his hardest to mess us up. January was an interesting month. we were snowed in for a week. the same exact week that my mom decided that everyone should go on a fast from any electronic devices. including phones. (well, since we were snowed in, why did we need them?) -.- oh yeah, that was awesome. lol but I survived. January was also the month that I applied to Andrews University with the hopes that I would get accepted. it took a bit longer for all the required documents to get in, but my application was officially in. I was looking for a job too. but for some reason, that never worked out. 

for some strange reason, I had come to the point where I was kinda happy. it wasn't like all of a sudden all my problems were gone, I could just breathe again. 

in March I went to stay with one of my parents older friends who just needed some help around. my one week turned into a month and I fell totally in love with my Buela. best adoptive grandma the world could ever know. <3 anyway, while I was there I got a special call.

I got accepted at Andrews !

which was soo surprising 'cause Andrews accepts everyone and their mother. >_> lol

I was stoked though. 

in April, much to my unhappiness, I went back home. I loved being with my Buela =P

but in April something else awesome happened. 

much to my chagrin, God and I, though communicating, had not been in the best of relationships. I was kinda ignoring Him ... 

and then my mom told me that our family was going to this Bible camp thing. ARME. being honest, I didn't really care. I didn't fight her, and I didn't feel enthused, but I went along with it. 

the first thing I noticed when I got there was that the people who were in charge of it were so real. they weren't like so many of the other fake church people that I knew. 

their smiles were genuine. it was not hard to see that these people really knew Jesus. 

and on the second day there, I met two of the most beautiful people in the world. we clicked instantly and stayed together for the rest of the time there. 

the seminars were powerful and so was the prayer room. one day we went on a walk and we all started crying and praying and I knew that God was there in the most real sense I had ever felt. after that, ARME became one of the best things that ever happened to me. God did so much for me and I even made friends that I know I'll have forever. (love them soo much)

but alas, all is not well !

I came home and it felt like the instant I stepped through the door, the old me, the one that didn't care about God and was just living for herself took over again. I fought it, but within a week it had overcome me. I looked in the mirror and all I saw were hopeless eyes staring back at me. I saw no reason to continue living. I was locked in this constant cycle of depression. it was like living with a monster that was eating you alive. I felt like I couldn't cry out to God ... why would He still help me? and even if He wanted to, I was hopeless. right?

and so, a week from ARME I was completely prepared to take my life. again. and this time I knew it wouldn't be a fail. I had a solid plan. 

I remember sending a text to one of my close friends telling him that I needed to tell him something. 

another one of my friends was actively trying to talk me out of it, but I was determined.

I wrote out my letters, asked God to forgive me for being hopeless, and gave up. 

thank God for friends.

that one friend would not leave me alone. 

and he was successful is talking me out of it. 

of course, that didn't mean that I hadn't exactly tried, but I knew that I wouldn't die. that day at least.

my other friend didn't text me back to the end of the day. I shudder to think of what I put him through when I replied. 

I basically told him that I was planning on telling him goodbye, but that I had changed my mind, so hi.


he freaked out. I got a nice text lashing that I'm sure I deserved, but even after that, I was disappointed that I was still alive. 

I conveniently forgot to mention something.

at ARME I met this guy.

go ahead. roll your eyes. =P

anyway, I randomly walked up to him and asked him his name and somehow we started talking.

within two seconds I knew I had found someone like me. before I knew it, we were deep into a discussion about absolute truth and adaptation vs. evolution. not exactly the common conversation topics of people around our age, but we're not exactly the most normal people. lol

so yeah, he asked for my number before he left so I could give him an updated answer on something after I had done my research. * cough * wow, now that sounds so funny now that I look back on that. lol

so one night after the suicide escapade, we were talking and I mentioned that I was alive however unfortunate that might be. he got on to me about being suicidal and I guess that started something. he wasn't the nicest person at times, but I needed to hear everything he said. somewhere down the road, we agreed to try and be closer friends. (DON'T get ANY ideas. we were FRIENDS). 

things were getting worse for me.

I was having these crazy attacks when I couldn't breath.

sometimes I would be asleep and this thing would start attacking me in a dream and I would wake up not being able to breathe. 

it was the freakiest thing.

I had no idea what to do about it.

I was fast going down the drain and I knew it.

* commercial break *

I was still preparing to go to Andrews in the fall. if I was alive, that is.

* back to regular programming *

one night, when I was so bad, that guy stayed up to the wee hours of the morning helping me though my crap. 'cause he cared. 

after that, I decided to do something I had never done.

tell my family that I needed help. I had come to the point where I didn't want to die, but I didn't know what to do anymore. 

as I look back on it, I realize that I've never gotten as bad as I was this year. it was bad

he (the guy) told me three things to do to overcome the "monster" as I called it.

1) find myself

2) find what I wanted

3) let music speak to me

I determined to try it. 

but then, something else lovely happened.

one night, after I told my family that I needed help, my mom decided to take my phone and laptop. 

I really didn't care about my laptop, but my phone was the only access I had to my friends. to the people that were helping me stay alive.


I went into hysterics and started sobbing uncontrollably.

it got so bad, my mom threatened to send me to an "institution". 

I cannot describe to you how hard the next days were. 

I felt betrayed by the people that were supposed to help me. I asked them for help, not to isolate me from society.

but alas, I could do nothing but wait it out.

May was by far one of the hardest times I have ever endured. 

but somehow, my will to survive kept me going. 

eventually, the horridness passed.

then there was campmeeting, moving my sister to Denver, and getting ready to go to college. 

and that guy ... well, he continued to help me.

one time he said something I will never forget. ( I couldn't since I locked the text message lol)

he said : I'm not free and you may never be, but its the journey, not the answer, that will give you the resolve for peace.


sometime in July I heard this song ... not gonna tell you what it is 'cause I don't want people to think the wrong thing. 

but anyway, I realized, suddenly, that it was my choice whether or not I would survive. 

and I decided to survive.

I put myself in recovery.

by some miracle from God, I was able to get the funds to get into Andrews and in August I started college.

from suicide to college. 

amazing right?

I love college so much.

its awesome. (:

and it helped in my recovery so much. so much.

there are too many stories to relate here, but my first semester was amazing.

and of course, I ended my year at GYC. again.

and at GYC, God did something else amazing ... but that's for another blog. lol

my friends and family are thee most special people on the face of the earth and I love them.

I would call all their names out, but I won't since this is all public on the internet. 

you guys know who you are and I love you guys tons. xx

so yeah, 2011 was a interesting year. 

a good year.

'cause I think I might finally be able to beat this monster. 

for good good... =D

anyway, I have dubbed 2012 my "year of survival". 

I've been challenged in that in these firs three days -.-

but I'm gonna survive. 

not because I have to.

because I need to.

soo happy 2012 ! (:

favorite quote of 2011 (changed around a bit by me) :

sometimes its the journey, not the answer, that brings recovery. 

goodbye 2011.